Magical Thinking and Hope

My husband and his brother Jere

Today was kind of a mish-mash of things and doings. We are in Florida visiting my husband Leo's brother  who is now in hospice. While I like Jere, I have to admit it is hard to see him looking so frail and seeing how this hurts my husband. We have been told several times that "this will probably be the last time you see him" but he keeps defying the odds, beating both Alzheimer's and cancer at the same time. It is pretty amazing in many ways yet still sad in others.







 
I stopped on my way out of the nursing home to admire the little fellow pictured to the right and when I looked down below his feet I saw some shells. Upon further inspection I realized that they were strewn over the lawn surrounding the pond he was inhabiting. The shells look like fresh water mussels of some kind, but they are a very different in color than those seen in my home state of Connecticut. Then again, those in Connecticut are not fresh water either!

Fresh water mussels from Florida

The shells are brown on the outside but the inside is a lovely pale mauve purple with a gorgeous iridescent sheen. I just had to pick some up and intend on gathering more tomorrow when we go back. I am not sure what I will do with them exactly but I am sure I will find some creation or another that they will be perfect for once I am settled back in my studio.

After we returned to the hotel I decided to apply for an artist grant. It was due at midnight so I had to really sit down and focus for several hours straight which is difficult due to my brain injury. I scoured it over and over and think I did pretty well with it over all. Now the waiting and hoping begins. That waiting and hoping was one of the reasons I initially thought I would not apply. Getting my hopes up, you see, is a problem for me.

An illustration from the book Lokasenna titled Loki taunts Bragi.

I know this will sound strange but I still wanted to share this with you, my dear readers; I suffer a strange "malady" that causes me to somehow believe that anything I really want will not come to fruition merely because I want it. And the more I want it the less likely I seem to be of getting said want met. The saddest part of this is that I have felt this way since my teen years. I am not sure exactly what led me to start this strange sort of reverse magical thinking. I think if I believe too much or focus to hard on the perfect outcome that I want, somehow the Universe or Loki or whatever deity you might believe in, will take it all away from me or cause the reverse outcome to occur out of...I am not sure! Spite? Humor? Malice? I don't know but a Great Cosmic Joke is what sincerely comes to mind. 

I guess I believed that the Law of Attraction we hear so much about is actually the Law of Detraction for me! Or maybe it is more like if I never believe I can never be disappointed? I really can't figure it out for the life of me. For a very long time I would imagine the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen or just the opposite of what I wanted and when the good that I hoped for secretly DID happen I would congratulate myself on how I fooled the Trickster into giving me the outcome I really wanted to begin with. How weird and even sad!  Makes your head spin a little, doesn't it?

So here I sit, after a day unlike any other, and one that will surely never repeat itself. I spent some time with the man dearest to my heart and his failing sibling, found some tiny treasures among the blades of grass and wonder of wonders I put myself in a position of hope by applying for a grant against my strange inner voice warning me not to let the Trickster know what it was I really wanted. I have grown so much over the past five years or so and will no longer allow this magical thinking to stagnate or control me. I am not going to let a belief from childhood hold me motionless for fear of the Trickster, either real or imagined. Whether I do or do not get this grant it really does not matter. What does matter is that I went after what I wanted with hope in my heart.


And I have to say, when all is said and done today, I really and truly do have hope. I hope that this amazing opportunity will be mine. I hope I am not disappointed. It would mean so much to my work as an artisan and I hope it will help me to become more than what I am currently. 

And that, dear readers, is truly what it is all about, no? To be more than the person I once was is what I hope for most of all.